Break Down And Build Up

You know those days when you just break down because your son has special needs? Oh yeah, I do. Most of the time I'm fine, but other days it hits you. For me, I think I cried every day this past week. Let me tell you why (if you want to skip this sob story, skip and read to the end, it's the best;) There's many things, but here is a few.

Isaac is going in for an ultrasound to make sure that his head is growing properly. Thankfully I don't think anything is wrong, but no one likes to do something like this because the Dr. tells them it could be a tumor, cancer, or something awful. I think his head is just finally catching up.

This week we have EHS,EI, OT, PT, and a helper coming to our house. (Early head start, early intervention, occupational therapy, physical therapy, and soon speech therapy.)

The words "borderlined" came up. That means closer to "Delayed." I've been waiting for that word. I've been fighting. But I can only do so much. As Isaac gets older I will strive to do what I can (in a way that does not drive me into exhaustion.)

I sobbed in the arms of my oldest sister who has three children with Fragile X because I want more children and do not know if that will happen. I felt like I was so faithful to have my own children until I actually had one and the reality of it all set it. I've pondered all kinds of options that I have, including adoption. I have some friends that have not even had children, so to even think of being "done" is weird. I have some who have kids Isaac's age and another on the way. I probably would, too...

But then...
you tell people...
you finally just open up...
And those people-friends, family-
...they help you.

They  let you know that 
                                                            you are NOT alone.

I've often said that having a child with special needs has opened up a whole new world to me. Well, part of that is your world. The fact that you may have a child with struggles and you are struggling, too. No need to list them all here. 

There are too many to count.
Because this is life.
We are here to have struggles.
It makes us stronger.

Let me demonstrate this to you with a parable:

There was once two horseman on a journey.
While on this journey they heard a voice tell them
to stop and take some pebbles.
So they got off their horses, grabbed a handful 
of pebbles and went on their way.
When they got to their camp that night 
the same voice said, "If you have done what I
have asked you will be both happy and sorry."
Upon waking the next morning, the two horsemen
found that the pebbles in their pockets had
turned into diamonds and the most precious jewels.
They were happy.
They were sad that they did not obtain more pebbles.

There are many ways to interpret this story, but I view the pebbles as trials. Although we do not always choose our trials, we do pick them up along the way of life. The more that we pick up on this journey of life, the happier we will be when our mortal lives have ended. In fact, we can see the benefits of them in our lives now. Those trials are the jewels that make us sparkle and shine. They make us who and what we are. Through the furnace of affliction.

Like the Provo Tabernacle temple I think of the Relief Society talk about how something we are "burned," sometimes to the ground, to become what Heavenly Father wants us to be. He has a plan for us. He knows us. He knows me and my circumstances and struggles.